I used to be terrified of class presentations. Of talking in groups bigger than three. Of interacting with people at all. In middle school, I would hold in the urge to go to the bathroom because it felt easier to tolerate the stomach pain than to raise my hand. In high school, I planned my promposal for weeks, only to avoid my date during the event, save for one awkward photo. In college, I decided it was time to change and devised a plan to overcome my fear of talking to people.
The plan was simple: talk to one stranger everyday for 30 days. And it couldn't just be a "hi hows it going," I would have to learn their name during conversation for it to count. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't expect to almost fail on the first day.
On the first day, I was busy and kept putting the experiment off until it was night when I was sitting in my dorm room, slightly panicking. I already knew my roommates, and all the people on my floor were part of my freshman "zee group", so I knew them too. I realized I would have to do something drastic if I didn't want to fail before the experiment even really started.
I racked my brain for ideas that would let me meet someone without revealing the experiment, and came up with a desperate plan. Grabbing my keycard just in case, I went down the stairs, out the doors, and sat on a bench right outside my building, waiting for someone to pass by.
I didn't have to wait long before I heard footsteps. My heart was pounding. My throat tightened. The footsteps got louder and louder until I could see the person. I stood up to talk to them, but my legs wouldn't move. I sat frozen, watching my chance walk by.
I was startled by how terrified I was. I took some deep breaths and readied myself for the next person that passed by. The next person passed by. I was just as terrified and unable to move.
Ok, the next person. I recited the opening phrase over and over and vowed to, at the very least, stand when I saw the next person.
Footsteps. My heart felt like it was going to jump out my chest. A girl appears down the walkway. I take a deep breath in, and stand. "Hey, could you help me get into my building, I locked myself out."
"Oh sure," she says scanning her keycard and opening the door for me.
I did it. I talked to someone. But now what? I rush into the building and say thanks.
"Sure" she replies, and walks away.
That was it? Wait, but I need her name. I stare after her. I was so close. It would be too awkward to start another conversation. In her mind, this encounter is over. Trying to continue would be weird.
Defeated, I turn towards the stairs, and realize there's another locked door.
I run back outside and call out "Hey sorry there's another door, could you help me with that one too?"
She walks with me back into the building towards the staircase, all the while I'm thinking that I need to ask her for her name. She scans her key card, and I say thanks and walk into the stairwell. I know that what I'm about to do looks really cringe and maybe even creepy, but I muster up the courage to turn around and ask, "Hey, by the way, what's your name?"
"Ruby," she answers.
"Cool, my name's Hollis. It was nice meeting you."
"You too," she replies as she walks out the building.
Nice to meet you? We didn't even really meet. That was such a weird thing for me to say.
But I did it. My plan worked. I got her name.
I run up the staircase 2 steps at a time, heart still pounding. She's probably forgotten my name already and will probably never remember this encounter, but it's something I'll remember forever.
Day one, complete. Only 29 more to go.
The following weeks consisted of introducing myself to strangers in the dining hall food line and stretching my imagination to think of questions to ask to get my foot in the door of conversation. At first, it was still nerve-wrecking, but as the days went by, I realized how open most people are to chatting and how enjoyable the experience could be.
I' met some of my closest friends in college by what seemed like random encounters that were actually deliberate efforts for me to talk to strangers. I met Joe at a CS info session, Jerry in line for some orientation, and Ilya while waiting for an acai bowl study break. Without challenging myself to talk to strangers, these close friends would likely have remained strangers.
Even the times when my attempts at conversation flopped, most people responded kindly and humored my conversation. There were times, though, when I'd say something and only get a nod or no response at all, and... well, the world didn't end. I realized that no one really cares about me in the way that my fearful mind thought, and it became somewhat liberating to be able to speak without this fear of judgement.
I never ended up finishing the full 30 days. After day 15 or 20, I got busy and started skipping days. But for the rest of college and till this current day, I still seek out opportunities to meet new people and develop close friendships from a simple "Hey, how's it going."
I've never fully gotten over the anxiety of being the first to speak, but I've learned that it almost always goes well, and even when it doesn't, that's fine. A stranger remains a stranger. But if it goes well, I might make a lifelong friend, and continue to prove to myself that I can overcome my greatest fears.